07 September 2006


I think the reason I haven't been able to sleep well since I started actually getting recording equipment (out of the blue and way ahead of plan) is inexorably tied to self-defeatism and fear of failure.

As I said in my first post to start this thing, I know I don't have all this talent. But something happens when you step up to a microphone to amplify or record yourself in a critical setting. It doesn't happen to me at all at open mic nights, or just hanging out with friends. But when the power is turned on, the tracker is ready to go, I freeze up. My stomach tightens, and I think: "Wow, you really suck. You are wasting your money." It's fear that if I truly give it my best shot, it will still suck even worse than my self-deprecating disclaimers profess, and that will be disappointing. So, to prevent this, I give myself an out. I don't try as hard. I back off. I engage in self-defeating behaviour like buying things I don't need, to make things overly complex. Like not sleeping.

I've got to get in the mindset that I'm doing this for fun, not for profit, or posterity, or pride.

No comments: